E-mail from my married lover

Received this email from “C” today. He’s the married lover that lives 2500 miles away. Haven’t seen him since June. This is what we do to make the months in between visits go by quickly. 🙂 My Panties were soaked!
Talk about knowing what turns a girl on! This man is paying attention to every little piece of information I give him. I can’t wait to see him in October. He fucks even better than he tells stories. 😉

“I land in LA and text you. you cannot contain yourself. I say i’m tired but horny and haven’t came in about a week. Was saving it for you.

I rent my car and get to the hotel, check in and get up to my room. 2 mins later you are knocking. I’m standing behind the door and let you in. Lights are very dim – you cant see me. I take you by the neck and bend you over chair. DON’T LOOK AT ME! I say to you. TAKE YOUR FUCKING JEANS OFF, NOW!. You obey wanting to turn around but i don’t let you know. you unbutton your jeans and unzip the fly and i tell you that’s good enough. I peel them off and and you step out of them. I rub my cock up against your ass with your panties still on and you feel how hard i am through my jeans. I bend down on my knees and you feel my breath on your ass and pussy through your panties….

I stand up and turn you around allowing you to look into my eyes for a moment before I push you down on your knees and tell you to open my pants. You undo my belt, button and unzip my fly. It’s hard to pull my jeans down since my cock is so hard, it’s pushing out. You finally get them down and have a rock hard object to contend with in my boxers. You feel it with your lips and bite it through my boxers, feeling my ass at the same time. I tell you to pull them down slowly. you do it and my cock hits you in the face as you pull them down. you did that on purpose.

I tell you to suck my cock as you look up at me. Use one hand to slowly jerk and the other under my balls. I watch you lick it up and down the shaft and around the head. It feels great and i let you go for a few minutes.

I feel myself starting to get close so i tell you to stop. I sit on the bed and take the rest of my clothes off and lay down as you are watching. I stroke my cock for you and tell you to strip slowly for me. you are so good at seduction – the way you strip can make a guy cum without touching himself. you take off your top and bra slowly. then you turn around and bend over slowly as you pull your panties down. I can see your tits sway from the side and i stare at your pussy and ass. You are totally naked and standing there, so i tell you to come over to the bed and sit on my face. You do it softly at first, but i tell you to put more of your weight on me so your pussy it smothering me. You suck my cock again at the same time. I push you forward a little so i can lick your lips up and down, side to side and graze your clit now and again. everytime i do your body twitches. i love that, watching your inner thighs contract uncontrollably as i lick the sweet juices that begin to flow from your pussy. I want you to cum in my face so i get more intense, adding my fingers and fucking you as i lick. It doesn’t take long between that and my cock in your mouth for you to tell me you are going to cum. I don’t tease you this time because i want it badly and let you cum…..
And this is just the beginning…”

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The Long Goodbye

Tonight I said goodbye to the man that I’ve loved for 12 years. I can’t keep chasing the love we both say we have and the life we want together. Actions speak louder than words. I went to his hotel last night. I knew something was brewing. We went to dinner, shared some laughs and drinks. Then we went back to the hotel and made love for probably the last time for a very long time.

Tonight I went back. I had already told him something wasn’t right. We said a few words via text message and I wasn’t going to go out there. But I had to. We talked. I told him that I’ve been willing to step outside of my marriage because we both felt the same. Madly in love with each other but timing makes it impossible to happen now. He lives in Nashville. I live in Los Angeles. His job brings him here 9 times a year and it may end up moving him back here permanently in the future. But today our lives are in separate places. We know this. We spend the time we are able to have together and fall more in love each time. I asked him months ago to be here a few weeks before my 34th bday to take me to a concert of someone we both love. Excuses about work and scheduling kept me hanging on… But here we are 5 weeks from the day and it’s still not there. I came to the realization that it’s ok for me to disappear from my home life to spend time with him when he is here for work but when I ask him to spend 1 day with me when he isn’t here for work that it’s too much and he won’t. I called him out on it tonight and he said he wasn’t able to do that right now. So there it is. We are back at me giving all and he is incapable of giving a little. He’ll be in town next week. We planned on spending Monday and Thursday together. When I was leaving I told him I wouldn’t be able to see him next week, or if at all. He looked heart broken but understood. I said goodbye. I kissed him one last time. And got on the elevator.

And then I crumbled into a million pieces. I’m proud I was able to leave without him seeing it. But then I sent this text :

I’m sorry that this is way it has to be. And that I’m not capable of accepting less. I hope one day we will both be at the same place in life and be able to give each other what we deserve. I tried. I tried really hard. I was able to accept that now wasn’t going to happen, but I can’t accept not being important enough to be away for one night without work being involved (even if the story is work). And it’s not about The concert. It’s about not being important enough to go out of your way and out of your comfort zone for me. That means we aren’t in the same place. And I can’t do that again. It felt like we both were there. Hell, I didn’t even start it this time. But I’m the one that will be picking up the pieces.
All I want is to feel important. And worthy. And as much as you tell me I am… I’m obviously not.

I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to walk away. 💔

He will always be my home. He will always be the one.

But for now I have to be good to myself.

And this song came on the radio as I drove away, fucking fantastic.

“The Long Goodbye”

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
It sure is hard to do
I know they say if you don’t come back again
Then it’s meant to be (so they say)
Those words don’t pull me through
Cause I’m still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it’s just you and me goin’ through the mill
climbin’ up a hill

[CHORUS]

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can’t make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard I try
I always make you cry
Come on, baby, it’s over?-let’s face it
All that’s happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
But I know without a doubt
We turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we could still try
How long must we keep running on a carousel
Goin’ round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayer

The little things

Sometimes you get lucky and all the noise in your head stops. It doesn’t last very long but when it happens you have to sit back and appreciate it. I had one of those nights tonight. I laughed. Often. Surrounded by people I love and people that love me. Today was a gift. Thank you, Universe.

you never

This is beautiful and heart breaking.
This is the truth I live today.
How can someone else’s words feel so much like they were written by me? Are there that many of us?

undermounted

There is no going back or wishing for what was

You ruined it all by ignoring me

Leaving me alone for months on end

Year after year

Taking everyone’s side but mine

You never tried

You never listened

You never comforted me

You never wanted me

You never protected me

I wish you could have been different

I wish you would have listened to me when I tried talking to you

I wish you had made me a priority

Even occasionally

You’ve never been honest with me – or open

You’ve never been real or vulnerable

It used to destroy me

Make me feel worthless and so very sad

I’m still sad you know

Because you pushed me until I left

And I looked for comfort where ever I could find it

And in looking for it elsewhere, I’ve been hurt

I’ve been damaged by other men because you didn’t…

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Life

My life is changing very soon.

I can’t keep up with the charade any longer.

My heart aches.

Not because of the thought of not being with him but the realization that I could never be the wife I went into this thing wanting to be. I have a husband but I never had a marriage. I never had a partner. It’s fucking sad. And I’m full of resentment because I feel like I’m being held back.

From what?

I’m not sure.

But I know that this world has more for me than a husband that doesn’t live up to his end of the deal. That doesn’t talk to me. That doesn’t even tell me that I’m great, or pretty or smart or even a thank you for running our entire world. There is no intimacy. There is no respect.

I’m now a wife that finds herself in the arms of the one person that she would throw everything away for.

Every. Single. Thing.

Someone from my past. The same Someone that I was running from when I ran into my husband.

Here we are, 5 years later, and I’m still running.

What the hell is wrong with me?

That’s not the life I worked so hard for… And it’s not the life I’m going to accept.

I’m so blinded by anger and disappointment that I can’t find the good in him. I know it’s there. He’s a very good person. He’s never hit me, cheated on me or hurt my son. I’ve been through so much worse, at least on paper it looks worse. But this life… This miserable empty shell of a so called life we have together is slowly killing me. It’s taking away my joy. Maybe we got married to soon. Maybe marriage is for idiots. Maybe I’m just an asshole.

But maybe, just maybe no one is to blame. Sometimes people, two really good people, can just be wrong for each other. Right?

I’ve never blogged before. So please let me vent and question and look for answers to questions that no one can answer but me. Don’t shit on my thoughts. Don’t critique my poor sentence structure. I’m not here to be graded by the hundreds (thousands) of you that are English majors with a minor in asshole. I’m here because I’m holding on but not by much. I need somewhere that I can be open and real. This isn’t for you. It’s for me.

To those of you that are going through the same thing or know the same thoughts… Thank you for writing so openly and honestly. You’re the reason I have the courage to do this.

My name is Tamara. I’m 30 something. Married 3 years. Mother of 1 teenage boy. This is the beginning of the end of my first marriage. I haven’t pulled the trigger yet, but it is filling the room like a dark cloud on a stormy day in hurricane alley. Life is going to get real shitty, real fast.

Buckle up.